I had held her in my arms, kissed her lips and stroked her soft hair. We had laughed, enjoyed each other’s company and shared thoughts and dreams. But now she is gone to another.
Should I try to get her back? Win her heart? Earn her love?
The reactions are universal. Disbelief. Betrayed. Anger. Jealousy. Revenge. Understanding.
Surely this is just a passing thing. She will meet others and discover how right I am for her. That it would be foolish for her to share her heart with another. I can be the only one that can understand and protect her thoughts, dreams and aspirations. It was a misunderstanding that can be corrected. Something said that wasn’t interpreted correctly. An action that shouldn’t have happened.
She knew how I felt about her. Yet, she still looked for another. A replacement like you would do a bad light bulb. Get another and discard the last. Toss it in the trash. No need to worry about what is in the trash, of course. Trash is not even the slightest bit considered. But, why couldn’t she just tell me? I deserved better treatment than that. My heart was destroyed and my ability to trust was all but obliterated. I knife in the back. Stabbed over and over.
How could she! The pain. The emptiness. Sadness that cannot be expressed. Tears from my eyes. Trembling in my hands. I couldn’t complete a thought that wasn’t about her. I couldn’t watch television and listen to music, without constant reminders of her. Shopping had become almost intolerable because of all the other couples that were there together.
Her new love was certainly just a passing thing. Not serious. He was so unlike me. He didn’t know how to love her. Didn’t know how to make her smile. Smile. That someone else was seeing that smile was infuriating. Getting that look in her eye that used to be for me. Feeling the smoothness of her cheek as I caressed it with my fingers. All things I would never have again. And I missed them so terribly much. It had to be him. He was filling her with lies and falsehoods. Pretending to be something he really wasn’t.
Revenge. Make her hurt like I did. Make her understand and feel the pain and shame of rejection like I felt. Make her world as empty and colorless and mine had become. Drain the life from her body. Unable to even feel the warmth of sun upon her skin. She should feel the guilt for leaving.
There really isn’t any understanding. Ever. Everyone is doing what they think is best for them. We rarely consider the damages when a heart changes direction. There aren’t warnings. There isn’t protection. It just happens. She had an unhappy heart and he filled it. I couldn’t hate them. As much as my soul wanted to, I couldn’t hate. The pain of thinking of her smile was followed by the idea that he was giving her happiness. Happiness that I couldn’t.
Royce E Tuck